This helping outreach website seeks to bring people spiritual assistance in their moments of challenge, sadness, grief and pain. And recently I was re-reading the wonderful book Questions and Answers on Conversations with God, which contained this inquiry that someone sent me. I want to address here as part of this overall spiritual outreach, because I think it is a question that many people have.
“Neale,” this CWG reader wrote, “I still don’t understand why people in relationships, especially families, constantly hurt each other, and the relationships go up and down. Is it karma being worked out from past lives?”
Here is my reply…
People hurt each other in relationships because they do. They do it because they do, my friend. There is no larger reason for it, such as “working out karma from past lives,” etc. It’s just something that happens. It’s part of life.
Nobody hurts another out of villainous intent. Remember these two important teachings:
– No one acts inappropriately, given their model of the world
– All attack is a call for help
People hurt each other because they want something they think they can’t have, or have something they don’t want. They are in one of the above two conditions, and they don’t know what to do about it.
They think that the only method of getting their way, having their desires met, etc., is to hurt another. They do not have to do this, but they do not know that. They do not understand how to “have what they want,” or “not have what they don’t want,” without hurting one another.
The problem is education, not intent.
Greet each instance of hurt with compassion and love. Compassion for others’ lack of understanding (we have all been there at one time or another), love for others’ humanness, and their attempts—however apparently misguided—to solve their dilemmas and keep on trying to make their lives work.
We are engaged here in a process of becoming. Of creating. Of being. Some of us are “being” more than others. That’s just
how it Is. That’s what I call “Isness.” It’s just what’s true. Accept that with a smile. Embrace that with love in your heart.
Understand, deeply, that no one wants to hurt you. They simply do it inadvertently, or perhaps, indeed, on purpose, but because they know no other way to have the experience they desire.
The next time someone hurts you, ignore the hurt and go to the only question which matters. Ask this question of them: What do you want or need so badly that you feel you have to hurt me in order to get it?
You can ask this question silently, in your heart, or, if you have a particularly open and honest relationship with the other person, you can actually address the question verbally.
Try it sometime. It is a terrific argument stopper. It is a terrific abuse ender. What do you want or need so badly that you feel you have to hurt me to get it? What is it you want to have, or feel, right now? Is there a way I can help you to have that without giving up who I am?
Even asked silently, in your own heart, these questions can change the moment so dramatically, so immediately, so powerfully, that you won’t even know what happened. And your “partner” in the dance of life at that moment will wonder what new level of mastery you’ve gone to!
Comments 6
Thank you, Neale. This a a wonderful reminder of one way to engage life that in my experience really works.
Blessings,
Ross
That’s what I was just thinking…Ross. What a very very powerful reminder. Thank you Neale. Really really great stuff. Thank you ~
Love, Melanie
Deeply felt, Thank you Neale,
This way of looking at life frees us up to really be our ’Isness’.
Folks just believe so many heart felt things, mostly from their there past experiences.
How far back they go is still their experience. We luckily have a way with compassionate action to love them just the way they are.
I had put this response in a spiritual note book of mine many years ago & recognize this, & feel it’s so valuable that I go to it often. Thank you for reprinting it. Everyone on this site should read this!
Magically,
What’s his name :-)
Thanks Neale..
It was great.. I have literally grown up in the spiritual sense reading Conversations with God and the daily ’God wants you to Know’ messages.
This post made me feel so peaceful.
Few days back, I posted tried to reach out on this website stating that I was struggling in my relationship and that my spouse hurts me.
Almost everyone replied with things like probably this is not the right relationship and that I am going insane trying to keep onto it.
But your post made me realize there is still in the relationship. And there is ALWAYS Hope.
I love how you let the person facing the issue take his/her own stand by asking him/her to ’choose’ for himself/herself and donot give advices based on what you think is right.
Thankyou for all that you have bought to my Life. If you are reading this, a big positive pink ballloon filled with positivity and gratitude is flowing towards you from India.
Thanks.
Lots of Love.
I often recall the quote: “all attack is a cry for help” after someone has poured their anger on me and I am left to wonder what else I can do besides listen and let the energy go through me to the best of my ability? Recently, I had another opportunity with my boyfriend where we had a conflict/misunderstanding. He attacked me verbally and it hurt! I listened to the best of my ability and managed O.K., I kept my faith in the relationship, but also felt the doubts. Deep down I sensed that he wanted a better, closer relationship with me, but didn’t know how to get there. I believed we both wanted the same thing. Ultimately, though, one morning shortly after awakening I reached for the little book (which I keep next to my bed!): ReCreating Your Self and found the page on the Role of Truth Telling. I wrote down what actually happened in the relationship and came to what I was afraid to tell my boyfriend. Then I realized that I was over focused on him and what I wanted him to do and faced my own fear of telling him how I truly felt about him. That night, I drove to his house, surprised him and gave him my piece of paper: “What I am afraid to tell you is that I am deeply in love with you”. We finally had a good talk and are back together even better than before. Wow! I am so grateful for this relationship and the power of truth telling! It came down to me giving in the relationship what I truly wanted…giving what I thought was missing. I found it in myself. Powerful!!
In gratitude.